Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he laminated a picture of his dick.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
