i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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