I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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