My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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