Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You are the jesus of drinking
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
