I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
