Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
