Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
