My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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