i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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