like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
