At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
