Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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