I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
