I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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