You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
