i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
