if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
