Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
