Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
