I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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