he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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