I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
