I'm going to jail i love you
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
