One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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