East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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