All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
