Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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