I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Houston, we have a blender
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
