Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
