I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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