I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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