just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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