mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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