I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am spending my child support on dildos
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
