wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
