I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
