I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
