My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
