she woke up with a sticky ear
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
