recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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