im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
either way he was missing a nipple.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
