You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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