those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
