Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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