The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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