Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Mom said you looked used
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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