my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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