Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How external is "for external use only"?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
