so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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