I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
