No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
